I endured the storm, and her name was Nicnevin.
The crackling lightning and booming thunder announced her arrival. As the rain fell, she flew in, followed by her cohorts. She screamed in my ears and disoriented my head. She crawled under my skin and raised each hair. It didn’t matter that I was in the middle of a department store. I should have known to pick a better place when I knew she was coming.
I could feel her coming. Before I parked and went inside, I could see her on the horizon. She rode in on dark clouds looming in the distance. I thought, maybe she will just pass by, and I can shop as the storm rages outside. She heard her name spoken in my dreams, then she heard our conversation about her earlier that day. Without hesitation, she came.
She spoke to me directly and without reluctance. She walked with me as I tried to act normal in this public place. She didn’t once ask what I wanted. She knows my every need, desire, and thought. She asked me to investigate my fears and face them like a Witch. She told me to look at my reservations and embarrassments. She reminded me that as Queen of the Witches, she has abundant power. Power to bestow should she choose. She could grant me the power to overcome, transform, and renew. She reminded me that with a flick of her wand, she can transmute anything to her will. As she spoke, I could feel her like electricity flowing through my veins. She asked me to examine why I hesitate to work with her. She told me to look at my fears. I could hear her in my ears; she was beautiful and terrifying. Her voice was sincere, direct, and fierce. I tried to remain calm as I walked by other shoppers. I had one foot in this world and one foot in hers. I was straddling a thin line between sanity and losing myself to the unknown.
I would whisper back to her, asking her my questions. “Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of what I might become. I am afraid of losing myself. What do you need from me? What do I have to offer? Why choose me?” She laughed and said that I was missing the point. She said to me, “My child, you need to become. You are untapped potential, and you need me. You should not fear what you could become or my motives. You should instead fear that which you deny and divert.” This stopped me in my tracks, and my eyes filled with tears. She was not wrong. Her words were like teeth on bone, piercing my skin as they scrape and gnash.
I could feel her all around me. For a moment, I was under her grey shroud. She was sharing with me a fraction of her abilities. Only a hint of her power seemed to course through my body; my stomach lurched, and I felt dizzy. I stopped walking and just stood there, unable to orient myself. Remembering I was in a public place, I blinked my eyes and regained enough composure to move out of sight. With tears in my eyes, I felt like I might pass out. Off and on, I tried casually talking to my coven mates in our group chat, attempting to dilute the experience. Attempting to remain in this world. I tried to remind myself that the storm will be over soon. When I knew she would not let me go that easily, I choked back my tears and tried to continue speaking with her without losing it.
She spoke again, “You remember your potential. You remember what you could do before you snuffed it out. You remember your vitality.” She was right. I do remember. I think we all remember what it was like to feel vital and to feel powerful before we stamped it down for the sake of fitting in. I think we all remember what it was like to be energetic and passionate before we tamed our wildness for the sake of approval.
And yet, this Goddess is new to me. Her stories make her seem terrifying.
“I want to know you first. I want to know more about your before we work together.” I could not see her, but as I whispered this to her, it seemed like she smiled. At that moment, the rain began to lessen. After almost an hour, the storm seemed to be passing. My head seemed clearer, and I felt it was safe to walk to my car. To be safe, I took my time browsing and making my purchases. The lightning was still streaking a crossed the sky, and thunder still rolled above my head. I got in my car, wiped the raindrops from my glasses, and started to drive toward the exit. As I looked up, there was a wide-faded rainbow in the sky. I could clearly see all the colors. I stared at it with a smile as a thin streak of lightning crossed over it. I saw the sign, and I know I am safe. I know I will tap into my potential. I know transformation is inevitable. She is waiting for me… when I am ready.