I thought I would share this. If I realize this, I know someone else out there also needs this.
Today was a rough day. I woke up in a lousy mood, complete with a headache! I wanted to stay in bed and tell the world to fuck off! As the morning went on, it was clear coffee would not do the trick. Meditation wasn’t even helping, and I usually feel 1000% better after a good meditation. I could not get out of this funk.
I had so much to do and no choice but to push through as best I could. I needed to find a way to be productive. My day was packed with tasks I couldn’t get done previously because of my packed schedule. In my head, I kept hearing, “It’s THURSDAY!! Where did the week go!” I had meditations to write and record, lessons to complete and post, a book club meeting, marketing, and a community ritual to conduct. I couldn’t drop the ball, not today. Throughout the morning, I struggled to stay positive without “FUCK THIS” rolling off my tongue every 5 minutes.
I am grateful for my best friend. As soon as she arrived, I felt better. I brewed some tea, and we talked. As it turned out, both of us were feeling sluggish and cranky. We talked about our emotional states and what upset us and supported each other throughout the day. We listened to each other vent and mull over our challenges. Before the day was done, we were both filled with energy and creativity. Now that I can rest and rejuvenate, I can reflect and appreciate the value of sisterhood, openness, and communication.
We could not have this relationship without a few critical elements. A relationship where she and I can be open and raw with one another takes commitment. This kind of authenticity takes trust, understanding, and the willingness to communicate. We don’t resent each other. We don’t project our insecurities, injuries, or inhibitions onto one another. We don’t ghost each other out when times get tough. We see each other, and we appreciate one another. I can’t even think of one boundary we must set to help keep the relationship healthy and positive. This is the most refreshing relationship I have ever had with another woman. Most of my female relationships have had some sort of hidden darkness and seething resentment. My prior relationships have been laced with jealousy, projection, passive-aggressive wounding, and worse. They have hidden the truth by glossing over it with excuses or false adoration.
You can feel it when you become aware of yourself compared to others. You can feel their insincerity. It feels heavy and uncertain. There seems to be a slime that coats the relationship and their words. You feel obligated to think or act in a certain way. You cannot question their motives or circumstances related to their comments and behaviors.
I am done with shallow-disingenuous relationships. Once I stopped begging others for affection and attention, I began to meet the most wonderful and genuine people. When I let go of who I was told I should be, I began to open myself up to people who want me just as I am. I have very few genuine people in my life, and I am grateful for each moment I have with them. I think it is hard for most people to be genuine in this world. This is especially true when you don’t love yourself and you feel insecure. I’ve been there, done that.
I want people to be honest around me. I want to know the real you. If we vibe, cool! If we don’t, no hard feelings. I will not chase people for friendship and connection. You either want me in your life and show up authentically, or you don’t. It’s your choice.